Parenting - Art or Science?

I was talking with a dear old friend this week about her sister-in-law, who just gave birth to her first child. It was a complicated pregnancy followed by an elective c-section (she was told baby was *too big*). Now the little man is just two weeks old, a strapping, beautiful boy. Already his mother is on a determined quest for parenting data and methodology because it is apparent to her that he is manipulating his parents.  She believes they must limit rocking and holding, although it is important (within limits apparently), because it is 'conditioning' him to be unable to self-soothe. Instead she is convinced it is critical to carefully schedule cycles of sleeping, eating, playing with the precision of a train conductor or havoc will ensue. She was told you cannot spoil a baby - at least in the first three months (3 mo??) but she doesnt want to take any chances.

I was thinking about this conversation last night sitting in front of a giant model train set at Barnes and Noble with two of my little boys. We had just bought all of our garden plants and were waiting to meet Dad for dinner. It was date night and somehow *only* having two kids along now qualifies as a date for us lol! Anyway, there we sat, the boys moving Thomas around the tracks and I looking over the titles filling the shelves, remembering the books that filled my own shelves and warmed my heart when two little boys is all I had. Wondering also, what happened in the next couple decades that convinced new moms to run their homes like factories?

Shelf after shelf was lined with stern looking *nanny* faces (WHY are we taking advice from nannies and not nanna's??) and titles that frequently included words like "problem" "disorder" and "solve".  How different from the books that inspired me as a brand spankin' new mom. I remember Marguerite Kelly's Mother's Almanac, Laurel's Kitchen, and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. I remember books like Whole Parent, Whole Child  and For The Children's Sake which suggested that breastfeeding and mothering somehow make us more complete, not imposed upon. Authors like John Holt who urged us to trust our children's drive to learn.

Parenting is fraught with challenges right from day one, especially if your baby, like our first, is beset with medical issues. Coming off a firm foundation laid by prenatal reads like Gentle Birth Choices and Birth Without Fear I was unwavering in my certainty that mothering, too, was a natural process.  It has been around as long as their have been people after all. ; )  If simple, tribal people could thrive surely we could.

We were told to hold the baby, wear the baby in fact. We were told that contrary to spoiling his chances at self-soothing that it would improve his brain function to process images while moving with our steps. If mom was tired or sick she was advised to tuck the baby into bed with her and nurse and rest, not insist baby cry himself to sleep so as not to overtax her. We were encouraged to read to babies and sing to them and to keep baby very close by to stimulate their development. It was an all-absorbing challenge - one that I have thoroughly enjoyed for a lot of years now.

Not sure where I am going with all this.  These are the same random thoughts that have been occupying me all week. I have battled with self doubt at times over the years over my complete inability to run our home with institutional perfection. I am schedule challenged. I have never owned a wrist watch. We now have children who will NOT allow a baby to cry and will offer to walk them if an adult is not readily available to do so. Our babies have been *worn* by mom and dad and big brother and sisters. They have required more time in the first two years than Baby Trainer babies.  What we have come to see though is that they require way LESS time after age two. They sleep well, play independently and are generally delightful despite the absence of scientific parenting.  In fact, one might argue, "because" of that absence.

Some might view us as reactionary, but I prefer to see it as responsive instead. One thing I am sure of is that, much as we would like to believe it, there is nothing predictable about children or life with them.  That can totally blindside you if you are beholden to the perfect schedule and find yourself tangled up in the inevitable skinned knees, burnt toast, sick dog, hurt feelings,lost socks, wakeful baby type of things that typically fill our days. This is not to say chaos is a given. Routine is comforting all around. We shoot for that. But grace is found in self-emptying and in dying to self. It is in that kind of giving completely that we somehow find ourselves richer and more full than we could ever have imagined.

My wish for new mom's is that you are carried away with this wonderful vision.  That you trust yourself and trust your baby. That you remember to always have fun. : )  I am still having fun.  I am pretty sure my close friends and companions along the way are also.  Far from being exhausted by the tasks at hand we are looking more at the end of this new baby journey than the beginning and that brings more tears than you can imagine. Don't waste a minute of this precious time focusing on the problems.

Comments

[Sara M.]

Thanks for writing this, Kim. It gives me hope that my ideals and dreams can be reality.

[Jen]

Beautiful! Sad how being a responsive mother is now counter cultural isn't it? I just hope that if nothing else, our own children can pick up this nurturing with their own children someday.

[Donna Marie]

(WHY are we taking advice from nannies and not nanna's??)

Well said! Beautiful post Kim! KEEP ON saying it..."But grace is found in self-emptying and in dying to self. It is in that kind of giving completely that we somehow find ourselves richer and more full than we could ever have imagined."....AMEN!! it is what gives birth to a special quality of JOY that can never be taken away!

ooh that pic is soooo sweet!!!
~Bless you!

[Tina]

Nicely, said Kim. Ironic that this post would follow so closely after the ones about your new chicks. You mention that the instinct to brood has been bred out of the hens. I've met so many moms that seem unwilling or unable to trust their own mothering instincts. I hope the instinct to mother is not being lost in our society.

[Rebecca]

Beautiful, Kim!

[Meredith]

That was so wonderfully written and insightful, I so hope that new moms may read this!! I find that with my 4 children I want to mother them all the more the older they become and to show them why it's important in a family that a baby isn't meant to be left alone and "cry it out". They are each learning in their own way how each new baby fits into the family structure and will hopefully make great parents oneday if that is their called vocation. Thanks for sharing!!

[Angel]

A wonderful post. It's often difficult as a young mother to close your ears to those voices that tell you your children must fit in perfect round holes from day 1 on. As the parent of a bunch of (great) square peg kids, those voices have often made me want to tear out my hair. Letting my first child cry it out, even for a little while, resulted in a fractious, WAKEFUL child who was up for HOURS. Crying it out definitely did not teach this child to self-soothe! I think he could have probably cried until he just exploded.

With each child, the voices -- thankfully -- get a little quieter. I am waiting for them to disappear entirely (like you, I'm a little "schedule challenged"), but at least I've gotten a lot better at ignoring them.

[Dani]

Beautifully said, Kim! {{hugs}} Dani

[kristina]

This is a post belongs in book for new moms!
Blessings,