We have thoroughly enjoyed reading The Door in the Wall together these past weeks. I have selected some lines for the children to make into notebook pages as keepsakes, words which I hope resonate with them as they have with me. Yesterday's page* is one example:
This sums up my feeling about education and life in general. It has made me reflect upon the growing sentiment in homeschool circles about unschooling and child-initiated learning. Having both babies and adult children has afforded me perspective about this that I could not have imagined when we began this journey. No longer is educational theory simply an abstract, intellectual pasttime. It is a reality. One that has consequences in young people's lives.
Early on, my foremost goal was delight. I envisioned a family united in a common endeavor. In all the literature I came across it seemed to be assumed that the one way to ensure that cooperative spirit was to follow the children's lead at all times and to avoid coercion like the plague. My military officer husband was always more than a bit skeptical. He had experienced tremendous success with a completely contrary method and remained unconvinced that left to one's one devices the formation of that level of discipline was likely. He had a different understanding of what constituted true satisfaction and happiness. It wasn't ease.
Over time we have watched families of all different ideologies move from early childhood through puberty and on to launching adults into the world. What I have seen of many who proclaim the virtues of non-coercive methods is ironically a subtle, often mutual, disrespect and lethargy as time goes on. This seems particularly so when the children involved were male. Men seem to have an innate sense of authority and order. They can detect when it is lacking and this seems to breed contempt, versus that overwhelming gratitude many moms hope for when they, in all sincerity, allow the children to call the shots. For those with more compliant children there was less contempt, yet many entered adult life lacking skills, organizational and otherwise, that would have greatly benefitted them well when faced with the challenges of marriage and career life.
The reality of SATs and the level of proficiency required to achieve personal goals has also factored into our methods. The truth is, you cannot make up many years of higher math in a semester or two no matter how motivated you may be. You may own your regret, to be sure (and there is some merit to that), but in the language subjects - math, music, language - there is no replacement for years of steady, consistent effort.
It is the rare child who is able to sense the need for such sustained effort. They have not lived long enough to experience (and witness in others) an abundance of rewards and consequences. They are, well, childish. That is why they got parents. This is not to say we have carte blanche to enforce their education by brutal means. Mercy and gentle guidance are hallmarks of our faith. It is possible to plant in our children's hearts some seeds of understanding and to ensure their cooperation, although we may not have their complete comprehension until they are much, much older.
Literature is one tool we have used. We read together regularly and discuss the merits and pitfalls we see in the characters decisions. We cheer when we see our heroes overcome adversity through sheer strength of will. We sadly acknowledge the poor choices of others. We remind each other of these when our own determination waivers.
We agree with the discouraged student that they may never use their algebra formulas in 'real life'. However, there will be countless occasions when they will need to solve difficult problems. They may never speak latin to another living soul. They may need to dissect an argument down to its core meanings however, for which the skills learned in their studies will serve them well.
The world may tell them to 'Follow Your Bliss'. We promise them that it is more virtuous to learn to face distasteful tasks with good cheer, thus developing their own blissful nature in any circumstance in which they may find themselves. The academic skills they hone today may not translate literally but they will definitely be applied across the board into many real life situations for which there is no substitute for resolute determination. So, yes, there is a reason and they will, indeed, thank you later.
We have rejected the notion that our children will thrive without some outside motivation. In fact we, as well as many of our peers, have grown children who now say, "I wish you wouldn't have let me quit ____. I wish you would have insisted I ____." They realize now they did not have the inner fortitude to push on by themselves and would have liked to have relied upon the backbone of others when their own failed them. They have come to realize that there is only one sure route to satisfaction and that is the road traversed with no small amount of effort.
I would not say we have overwhelming regrets. We do have different perspective today. We have seen that sweat equity early on pays dividends to our children later. We recognize that nothing breeds success like success. There is no better motivator! We therefore have the confidence to unapologetically set up an outside framework, to insist upon certain standards of excellence, to shoot for predetermined levels of proficiency, and to assure them that the harder it is to do something, the more comfortable we feel after we have done it. We run this academic race as if to win - together.
*Brother Luke encouraged Robin, the paralyzed boy, to brave the elements and swim in the river daily as therapy. Later, when the castle is besieged Robin is able to slip out of the grounds, cross the icy river and propel himself on crutches to get help.
Having 9 children and the oldest 20 I also see the wreckage of lives from nieces and nephews being unschooled. Parents and children at odds because of children feeling ripped off by their parents' choices which greatly affected the childrens' lives. We have found structure when it comes to the core subjects, and then unschooling all they like in the afternoon!
Posted by: anne | March 29, 2008 at 08:23 PM
This is such a terrific post!
I think my kids are the same age as yours (we have 10-almost 21 to 1yo) and I couldn't agree more.
I think this should be required reading for all young mothers and new homeschooling families! :)
Posted by: kris | March 30, 2008 at 01:46 AM
Thanks for this post. I have been wondering about these things lately, and it is good to hear your thoughts on the subject.
Posted by: Arwen | March 30, 2008 at 04:35 AM
This is what I keep coming back to as I think about unschooling. I may *say* I'm unschooling now, but it seems to be so different than the traditional unschooling or even "delight directed" learning, that I need to name it something else. I'm a true believer in the value of pushing through some difficult times.
So much to think about! Thank you for sharing it with us.
Posted by: Amy | March 30, 2008 at 11:43 AM
I've been thinking on this for some time. You pinned down exactly why I'm hesitant to embrace unschooling.
"virtuous to learn to face distasteful tasks with good cheer, thus developing their own blissful nature in any circumstance in which they may find themselves."
That's exactly it for me. I'm not dismissing unschooling entirely with that statement. I'm sure unschooled children have to make their beds and clean the dishes etc. But I do have some hesitance in theory. Practically speaking, I'm just far too anxious to unschool. I think there can be a balance between parent led and child led education.
I could write more, but these things are all still floating around in my mind. Interesting post Kim!
Posted by: Jennifer | March 30, 2008 at 01:07 PM
Hi, Kim! I appreciated hearing your perspective here though we are definitely coming at this from different viewpoints. I see unschooling as a way of life which very much facilitates the setting and reaching of goals by children and parents alike.
We have rejected the notion that our children will thrive without some outside motivation. In fact we, as well as many of our peers, have grown children who now say, "I wish you wouldn't have let me quit ____. I wish you would have insisted I ____." They realize now they did not have the inner fortitude to push on by themselves and would have liked to have relied upon the backbone of others when their own failed them. They have come to realize that there is only one sure route to satisfaction and that is the road traversed with no small amount of effort.
I don't think I'm understanding how you mean 'thrive' in this context. Thrive in a general sense, as in 'turn out well?' Or in a specific sense, as in 'thrive at some particular activity.' It seems like there are examples of many people thriving in both senses: in the general sense, there are many unschoolers now grown and thriving in college, grad school, at interesting jobs (Sandra Dodd and Pam Sarooshian's kids come to mind, and others); or in the specific sense, thriving at some particular undertaking despite lack of outside motivation. I think of my husband learning to play drums as a kid though his parents never once made him practice; his motivation was entirely internal. Or many of the comic-book artists who work for him, honing their talents independently and voluntarily and sometimes in the face of much external discouragement! Or the way many of us have daughters who take up crocheting or knitting, etc, and gain much skill because they are internally motivated to persevere at the activity.
I was trying to think of examples for the fill in the blanks that would be things the grown child couldn't learn *now* if he had the desire to do so. "I wish you wouldn't have let me quit...piano lessons/karate/calligraphy class/algebra/Spanish/etc." I guess what follows is a "because" phrase. "I wish you wouldn't have let me quit piano...because I would like to be able to play better right now." The person who wishes to play better can learn to do so now, when the (internal) motivation is present. I can perhaps see "I wish you had insisted I study Spanish because then I might have gotten that job that went to the bilingual applicant instead." But even there, that situation could arise if the child was not unschooled, but had been made to learn French or German instead of Spanish.
In many ways it seems that perseverance is a quality more dependent on internal motivation than external. Sticking with a difficult task because your parents are making you requires obedience more than perseverance.
History is full of examples of people who have persevered at a difficult endeavor through many challenges in order to accomplish a personal goal, not because someone was making them, wouldn't you say?
I was also thinking about how there may be differences in the way perseverance develops in kids who are unschooled their whole lives, as opposed to families who have shifted to unschooling after doing something more schoolish/structured (like mine, for instance, with the way we've had unschooly times and CM times). It seems to me having a history of *any* requirements attached to learning has to alter the outcome. Once a child becomes accustomed to doing his math because mom says so, it's possible he will be less likely to push through challenging times on his own if later the family switches to unschooling. The habit of relying on someone else to push him through might take a very long time to break.
Posted by: Lissa | April 01, 2008 at 04:35 AM
Lissa and any who are following this thread - I hope to have a moment to chat more about this this afternoon. It is my policy not to blog/chat during school hours. Lots to do and have to get a husband out the door.
Until then, I will be frank, I find this argument to have not held water over time, appealing as it initially seems. I will explain why later. God bless.
Posted by: Kim | April 01, 2008 at 01:56 PM
I have looked back over the essays and I believe I have addressed the questions to the best of my ability. Our personal experience and that of more homeschoolers than I can name bears out what I have described.
Each family must define success - spiritual, emotional, vocational, and so on - in their own terms and then proceed down the path they believe will lead them to that success I can share with you what our experience has been. I can present my philosophy and why I feel it is most consistent with our family's worldview. If your goals match ours then you may want to give it your consideration.
If your family has a very different definition of success then I would read no further. There is plentiful support for alternatives available online and in print. This blog is not equipped to provide resources for them all.
Nor do I as a rule encourage moms to engage in debate. Consider your course, then embark upon it without undue hesitation and second-guessing. Know that whichever path you choose it will require nearly all of your time and energy to walk it responsibly.
God bless!
Posted by: Kim | April 01, 2008 at 05:03 PM
Thanks, Kim. I certainly understand your position and respect your wishes. Please know that I wasn't wanting to stir up debate; I was sincerely trying to clarify my understanding of your arguments. Your post has led to some stimulating discussions here at home and I thank you for that! :)
Posted by: Lissa | April 01, 2008 at 10:15 PM
I am very moved and touched by the depth and balance of this post. I have been teaching and thinking about these issues as a college professor (of education), a writer, and a parent of four children for decades. Most especially I am called into these words by their balance. I mostly write about the ways in which traditional schooling alienates many students from a profound love of learning, and makes students doubt their abilities to achieve hard things. On the other hand, however, I also do feel that students (and my very own children) benefit, often, from some external structures, goals, oversight (not all, but most). That is the deep problem at the heart of this here: what is true for one child is not always true for another, but our educational system cannot structurally respond to individual differences.
Thank you for the heartfelt subtlety here. I would like to know more about what you are up to.
Kirsten
Posted by: Kirsten | April 08, 2008 at 03:45 PM