Ask the Dad

A woman posed a question to me yesterday which got me thinking.  She wanted to know my stance on textbook learning.  I answered her question in comments (which apparently disallows paragraph formatting - yikes!) but felt another word was in order. So here goes. 

Do I have a 'stance'?  I guess so.  The stance would be there are lots of ways to succeed and very often,  maybe most often in my life anyway, it ends up being the way we had scarcely considered.  In my life, when I am seeking success in a given area my first instinct has been to seek out advice from those I admire.  I say that, but that translates into, "I seek out the advice of those I envy," or "I seek to emulate those who appear to have it all together," or any number of other motives which may or more likely may not bring me closer to success.  Those giants I sought tended to dwell on the internet or in print which makes for a few major problems. 

First, since they don't live next door they don't know me.  They don't know my kids.  Their well-intended advice may be completely inappropriate for our family in these circumstances. 

Second, the reverse holds true.  Because they are not next door I have no idea how much of the life they portray is accurate and honest. I don't know what their home looks like, how their children behave, what success they enjoy.  I can't ascertain whether their methods are contributing to or jeopardizing peace and balance.  The hard truth is, many times we don't see the whole picture and it is unwise to base major life decisions on such a foundation.

Most importantly however, they are not the ones God put in charge of this family. My family.  They were not given a vision for these children.  As impressive as their vision may be, I have no guarantee that it at all matches up to that which God intended for this bunch. There is one person who does however.  Their daddy. 

Over the yrs I immersed myself in homeschool books, internet gurus, and pretty much every other possible source of information one could lay hands upon.  I was well-versed in methodology and could tsk and sigh with the best of them at the poor folks who didn't know any better than to have "school at home" or who I assumed thought "inside the box."  Those of us who struggled with housework or fatigue were assured that burnout was normal and expectations had to be lowered.  I convinced myself that my husband had delegated education to me and that I had his blanket approval for pretty much whatever I planned. Surely he appreciated all my research and deferred to me in this area right? All this combined to keep me strolling along with the status quo for a lot of years. 

Lorrie Flem's Teach mailing shared advice to bring Dad into the homeschool.  Not by making him teach classes after work or whatnot but by truly basing our schools on HIS vision for his kids.  She insisted that if you ask, reeeeally ask sincerely, that you may be surprised to discover that yes, he has opinions.  He may have strong opinions which he has opted not to share in light of your apparent expertise. She also warned that you should prepare your homeschool to be shaken up if you ask such questions and intend to act upon them. 

I did that. She was right. : )   Friends of mine did the same. We discovered that despite all the convincing articles to the contrary, our husbands did want our kids to take tests and study and memorize.  They wanted them to be well-read for sure, but they also wanted them to possess skills necessary to succeed in traditional school settings.  They supported our lifestyle but they did not want our academic choices to dictate and define all of our life together.  

We adjusted.   We tried new things.  More accurately, we tried some OLD things that we were told would never work.  They worked.  And I would never have had this experience if my head was stuck in the screen instead of here in my family.  

My 'stance' is that my stance is irrelevant.  It really doesn't matter a bit in your family.  You don't know me and my opinion isn't worth beans to you.  If you are married and have children there is one person who does have an opinion - their Daddy.  Ask him.  Sincerely ask him and vow not to roll your eyes (even interiorly) at what he may tell you. Step out in faith if need be and be willing to follow his lead. Realize that if you have been out in front of this parade for any length of time he may not appear interested in leading it or may direct hesitantly.  That's ok too.   Your heavenly father and your children's earthly father can and will work it all out and get your family on a good steady path if you let them. 

It can be scary to let go of all the 'truths' you have clutched tightly.  But you come out in a good place.  There is a Christian song which always makes me smile because it describes so well the journey I have been on:

"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me"  

-Francesca Battistelli 

Comments

[Rebecca]

This is a very thoughtful post, Kim. I agree that so many husbands would have opinions about their childrens' educations if their wives weren't so determined to hold the reigns, to do it all their own way. I used to bombard my husband with educational-ease..."I've been following Montessori's Three Step Process" or "I like Waldorf except for Steiner's attachment to anthroposophy." His eyes would glaze over and he would mutter, "What about math? Are they writing paragraphs?" :)

After really listening to what he had to say, I found that he preferred our children learn in a more traditional manner which included much writing, reading, math and (gasp) occasional testing. I told him that I had been trying to avoid "school in a box" for years. He laughed and said, "What's wrong with school in a box?" Um, ah, I didn't have an educated response to that question. :)

We still pepper our learning with other things we love like some Montessori activities and Waldorf art supplies but the meat of our children's education is based on more traditional methods. We are even using a couple of textbooks and workbooks, which I have shied away from for years because I bought into the premise that traditional learning was not a rich way to learn. Turns out the kids love them, are learning a lot and I have a happy husband to boot.

[shalimamma]

Kim, this is profound that you posted this today. I have been discussing this same subject with a dear friend who has read "Weapons of Mass Instruction" and is encouraging me to read it, in order to 'let go' of things I may be clutching onto tightly, but may not be grounded in the truth. I was praying yesterday that God would guide me in this, and stumbled upon your article! Wow! I feel like I am being moved along in a direction that is uncomfortable, but possibly the way I am SUPPOSED to go...

BTW, would you like to trade blog links? Mine is http://lifevictorious.wordpress.com. I would like to link your site...

Blessings!

[Becky]

Dear Kim,
I wish we lived close and we could have tea and long conversations on occasion. Your posts are always inspiring for me. Thank you for the time that you put into them.

[Tracey (Connections)]

Kim- Thank you for this post. I find myself looking to others for homeschooling answers FAR too often. Although the "been there, done that" perspective is helpful to a point, you are so right about not knowing the families. Ultimately, one can find completely contradictory opinions from women online. Who to trust? Who to follow?

Thanks, as always, for the reality check and very helpful advice.

I am so glad your year is going so well.

[Marilyn]

Very wise post Kim. Thank you.

[Shelly]

Thank you so very much kim :) very thought-provoking!

[Susan]

Brilliant! Bravo! Now, how am I not supposed to make you my guru when you keeping putting up wisdom like this?! I'll try realllly hard to restrain myself. But I *am* glad I can read your blog!

You are a blessing, Kim. I have a lot of catching up to do here now that I'm able to come online again...

Susan :-)

[LLMom]

Thank you. I have been thinking about this same thing in relation to all areas of our lives, including homeschooling. http://catholicmomsjourney.blogspot.com/2009/10/holy-will-of-god.html

[Tracy]

Thank you for this great insight. Since DH is a public school teacher, I think that he is amply involved, but this is a great reminder to involve him and also to acknowledge that what works for me may only work for me.

[Brenda]

I often ask my husband to help me make decisions about homeschooling because he receives graces that I don't and he shares in the responsibility of educating the children. We recently made a very big decision to enroll in CLAA (classical liberal arts academy). I could NEVER have made the decision without him. In 10 years of homeschooling, it's the best thing we've ever done.

[Roxanne]

I asked my husband about a year ago, he had a couple of suggestions of what he wanted to include, but then said that he liked what I was doing.

I'm glad I asked! It gives me confidence to know that we're together in this.

[Annelisa]

Kim,

Wise words indeed. I will take them away and ponder. I do enjoy the pearls of wisdom and insight and you take the time to share with us all, and like Becky it would be lovely to meet one day and "have a cuppa". You just never know, stranger things have happened!

[Lea S.]

What a great post. Sometimes I feel that my husband has given me free reign, as you have felt in the past, but now I see that maybe it's time to sit down and have a chat. Thanks for that flash of insight, which makes perfect sense.